Tuesday, February 22, 2005

To: office@bcf.org.uk

Dear British Chess Federation,

I thought I'd tell you about a new system of rules for the game, 'Chess', that I have thought up. I think these rules make the game more frantic, yet also add a new strategic element. I call it 'Bumblesnap Chess' as it is based on the political situation in East Germany in 1988. Here is the 'lowdown' on the rules:

Rules for Chess (Lewis' Bumblesnap Variation (tm))

1 The board is set up in the usual way, with just one variation: the white and black kings (also known as Bumble Inquisitors of Graham, for obvious reasons), have exchanged places. They have therefore been 'held hostage' by the other side, and the object for both players is to release their own Bumble Inquisitor THROUGH ANY MEANS NECCESARY.

2 Play begins as normal, except for the first three turns, when the players move SIMULTANEOUSLY. This may cause a sitiuation known as 'Malebolge Inferior', when both players want to move a peice into the same square at the same time. This dispute is settled by MORTAL KOMBAT. The winner claims the disputed square.

3 All normal chess moves are allowed, except that the kings/Bumble Inquisitors cannot be moved directly. They can only be moved by flicking pawns (pawns are also known as 'Eejits') at them. This is a move known as Jaded Displacement.How Jaded Displacement works:a) A player announces he is going to attempt Jaded Displacement by saying 'Good Sir, for a packet of ciggarettes, unavowed, mine leige of the most high Graham may be moved, through Jaded Displacement of 1842 London, and the physical process of Eejits'b) He selects an Eejit, (it must be the regulation size of 1/100 cubit). and places it on square A8.c/d) The player flicks the Eejit with their right forefinger. If it hits the Bumble Inquisitor, and it moves, then that's just great. If not, the player must show their opponent all their cards.e) Then they just roll the dice.

4 If a bishop (also known as an 'Aeonic Snap Marshall') is captured, it is not removed from play. It joins the Bumble Inquisitor in hostage. To represent the enormous political influence of the Snap Marshalls, whenever a player loses one, he must draw FIVE (4) cards from the Eonic pile.

5 The game ends when both players agree it has run its course.

Try it, if you think you can handle the challenge. Please tell me if you think it's better than 'normal' chess, or if you're just too stupid to appreciate it.



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